Will You Be The One?

repair WallThat title reminds me of the movie “Matrix” where Keanu Reeves is “The One”! I am addressing family systems in this post, and how to improve or repair the way we do family. “Will you be the one” in your family that initiates change?

How does your family operate? Probably similar in many ways to your personal childhood experience. The added ingredient is your spouse and his/her childhood family experience. It gets tricky when we marry these two different experiences, and the meshed reactions to our personal experiences. If we lived in an abusive home, we often either mimic that as adults to our families, or we go the other way and make changes based on judgments we have harbored against our parents, and or siblings. Drastic change, based on fear, motivated by judgments. The variables are numerous! This usually produces an  extreme family system that operates in shame. The judgment in our heart against our fathers house will only reap….JUDGMENT! Galatians 6:7   Do not be deceived,  God  is not  mocked ; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.  Have you ever said or thought “I will never do that to my kids” or “my children will never have to experience that”. How do you determine whether or not your judging or only observing? My definition of judgment is “an observation with teeth!”

If we choose to mimic our childhood family experience, we lose and so do our loved ones. If we choose to change our family values based on judgments, we are only stuffing the issues deeper. Now the problem has gone into “stealth mode”. Our family system appears to be “better than our parents way” but the problem areas manifest in other attitudinal ways that are more “socially acceptable” than blatant abuse, like anger, passivity, drinking, workaholism to name a few! We call this behavior “having an elephant in the living room”, that no one will address. Control! “I don’t trust you enough to talk to you, about my feelings.” Don’t Trust, don’t Talk, don’t Feel! These are 3 unspoken, dysfunctional family rules! Make no mistake, if we mimic our abusive experience, our children will inherit suffering, and we will inherit being known and feared as an abuser.

I realize that not everyone can relate to what I am speaking of  here, but here is some truth for those of you that can, to help heal your family dynamics for generations to come! Shame based family systems have plagued mankind for centuries. This is the way most of us have experienced family. If you do right, you are acceptable, if you do wrong there are divers consequences. The worst perhaps is feeling unloved, no value, and that your opinion does not matter! Selah

It’s time we apply what the Word of God says, into our family systems. (See my post above “Walk it Out”) We can restore dignity to our loved ones, and to our family name. Selah – Try to think in terms of generations!

Proverbs 22:1,4;

1 A [good] name is to be chosen rather than great riches,  Loving favor rather than silver and gold.

4  By humility [and] the fear of the Lord  [Are] riches and honor and life.

If we identify with the “judgments” method, the issues WILL manifest in the generations that follow (See Exodus 34:5-7). No eradication  until the issues of abuse are appropriated through forgiveness toward the abuser/s. “Will you be the one” to initiate the “renouncing of judgments” both spoken or entertained in your minds in your family? This is the initial response needed to bring generational restoration. Secondly, we begin to speak blessing, and honor, and thanksgiving over our families. Not just in prayer, but directly to the people that represent your living family. “Will you be the one” to initiate change in your family? Will you be “the Repairer of the Breaches, the Restorer of the Streets to Dwell In” (Isaiah 58:12).

  1. Renounce judgments we have made against those who sinned against us or our families!
  2. Speak blessing, honor, and thanksgiving over them as they press through their experience or journey. It really all boils down to Romans    12:1,2! The renewing of our mind, our thinking!

“Will you be the one” in your family to begin to think differently? Every blessing as you press in!

If you desire more information on this subject or ministry personally contact us for scheduling @ http://www.freedomquestinternational.org/invite.htm

I hope this post has stirred you for appropriating godly change in your family generations. Please leave a comment. Love to read your thoughts!

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10 Comment

  1. ANIA says: Reply

    Hello,
    This is what has been for some time in my heart.
    I always thought that my generation will be the last with problems that me and my siblings face,bu I see that their children make the same mistakes,that their life is so similar to ours and it is so sad for me,even I feel discourage that my children will be the same that nothing will change.

    Thanks for posting this!
    LOVE,
    ANIA

  2. Bob, I am seeing more every day that I must have had an unusual family and upbringing. Mine was a very loving, Christian family and still is. I am very blessed. But when I hear of others who have suffered any kind of abuse, my heart breaks. It should not be that way. I am so thankful for people like you who are speaking out against abuse. Bless you!

  3. Trudy Metzger says: Reply

    Thank you for tackling a topic that is common, yet sometimes ignored.

    I grew up with the hell of abuse, death-threats and violence to such extremes that it is shocking for people to hear. For me that was ‘normal’ until my teens when I left home to fend for myself at age 15. Life continued to be ‘hell’ until I almost married into a rather hellish situation of my own at age 18. Holding a gun in my hand, contemplating murder and suicide, I finally realized how desparate I was. Shortly after this experience I became a born again believer and did a most radical U-turn.

    Because of that transformation, there is no comparison between my childhood and our family life! My husband and I do marriage ministry and have mentored struggling youth but only after choosing, like King David, to walk with integrity in our own home. (Psalms 26:1 NKJV) We love our children and choose to raise them with much affection and guide them in every aspect of their lives while allowing them to make mistakes. We make huge mistakes, but we come through them because of Jesus!

    Several years ago, before my father passed away, he asked me to forgive him, then blessed my husband and me for the way we are raising our family. Then, with tears in his eyes, he asked, “How do you do it?”

    I said, “I forgave you long ago! That is why I was able to raise a healthy family with my husband!”

    Forgiveness and breaking ties are so important! Bless you! Keep up the good work!

    1. Thanks Trudy for your comments/testimony. I believe it will bless anyone that takes the time to read it. Bless you and your husband for pressing through and impacting the generations to come, in your family!

  4. Trudy Metzger says: Reply

    Clarification and True Confession: I failed to say that in earlier years of marriage – we are now in year 16 – I was progressively becoming like my father, even though I was a believer. While I didn’t threaten my children, my anger and disconnectedness was no better than his.

    I cried out to God and begged him to help me find a better way and, many mistakes later, he got through to me! My oldest of five children was seven when I called our friend and mentor, Steve Masterson of Promise Keepers Canada, and asked for help. Through repentance, and grace from my children, God started the healing process.

    I didn’t intentionally try to sound like we have it together… it is only the grace of God that spared us a much different story!

  5. Cool story, didn’t thought it would be so amazing when I looked at the url!

  6. Ginger says: Reply

    Good post. I still believe however, that those who have engaged in acts of abuse need to be held accountable for their actions.

    1. Thanks for your comment… I do too… I believe that we all need to take ownership of our abusiveness. Sometimes those consequences are ugly. Other times grace is offered and everyone comes up smelling like God! Blessings!

  7. Karen Conley says: Reply

    Thank you, I’ve been walking this journey to healing, needed that extra push, encouragement, to keep me focused. Blessings,
    Karen

    1. Your welcome! Glad it helped you move on, and encouraged you! Every Blessing! Bob

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